2012: from fear to faith

I chose to undertake a special project 366 in 2012, taking a photo each day to remember the highlight of the day. It has been beyond rewarding.

As I look back at the photos I realize just how much I have been shaped by God, people, and education in the past year. I think one thing stands out from 2012.

Fear

Why fear? In our culture of "fear nothing and follow your heart" it often seems easy to neglect how fear shapes us. This year I had a new experience of Paul's words in Philippians 2. It is the chapter that describes Christ's humility and character of emptying himself. Take a read yourself. For now, I want to focus on this:

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,

for it is God who works in you,

both to work and to will for his good pleasure.

-Phil 2:12-13

Let me explain what I mean by fear.

Fear is the attitude that takes hold of me and changes the way I do things. When I fear, I try everything in my ability to create stability and certainty in my life. In other words, I try to take absolute control. And in year 2012, God has asked me to let go of that control, to turn from fear to faith.

Your question by now is probably...so what did Iggy fear so much? Well, my friends, many things...one which stood out above the rest. I feared a new relationship in which I would make myself vulnerable to a girl, and allow God to take control out of my hands. I will describe briefly what has happened in the past, and how I am changed now.

Passion 2012. A defining point in my life this past year.

The Past

I met a girl in my "Soul of Ministry" class at Regent back in January who happened to be in my small group. As we got to know each other, I really admired her heart for God and children. To make a long story short, I started to pray about whether this was the woman that God was preparing me for (when in fact, I had already started praying in 2011 about surrendering myself to God and asking him to prepare a wife for me at the appropriate timing). My biggest problem was fear. 

It wasn't so much a fear of rejection. Rather, it was a fear of losing control in my life. To pursue a relationship with a girl would mean that things in life would no longer go my own way but that I would need to make myself vulnerable and open, allowing her to make decisions that may not be in accord with my own. This may sound silly to you, but I think everyone has a fear of something. For me, it was the fear of losing control. At Passion 2012, Louie Giglio spoke on Luke 7, on how Jesus touched the dead young man and told him to arise, in the process reviving him. The question was this:

"What are the seemingly impossible things in your life right now that Jesus wants to touch and say 'GET UP'? How is he asking you to trust him in faith?"

Hmm...good question Louie. I spent the night and next day praying over this and then it hit me. I was blinded by fear of not knowing whether Anna was the right girl for me. I was afraid and didn't have the courage to love. On the night after Passion, God asked me to trust him, to turn my fear to faith. 

Fast forward 4 weeks. After school ended I finally got to go out with Anna and we talked about many things in our lives. I asked her about starting a relationship together. She replied, "let me get back to you," and I thought, "oh shoot...what went wrong?"

more fear.

Then it turned out she wanted to seek the counsel of her parents. And I thought, "God, it's in your hands now...I'll let go and allow you to work." And during that weekend of waiting, we had "Mark Project" at REC. The reoccurring motif was: "Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?" Wow. Talk about a booming affirmation from God. You can read about that in my Mark Project post. The next week, Anna and I met up and shared what had been going on, and her parents had said yes, so we decided to begin our relationship.

For those of you who have heard the story before, you know I took out a lot of the dramatic details. What I'm trying to emphasize here is the process of turning from fear to faith. It is also the story of how I let go of absolute control of my life and turned to Jesus. He has brought us together.

The Now

Much time has passed since then. We have learned so much about each other, and yet we are still learning every day. Perhaps this is what excites me. To be honest, there will always be fear, which reminds me that we need to be living each day in faith. As we grow closer in our walk, there will be more questions.

What should the future look like for us? Where will we go? How do we understand and communicate in the Chinese, Korean, Canadian culture that we are rooted in? And what does it mean to follow Jesus in all of this? 

There are still times when I have uncertainty and in those times I am tempted to take control of everything and create stability; however, Anna reminds me that I am trying to take control yet again, without being gentle and loving. And because of her gentle and sweet reminders, God shows me time and time again that I need to surrender more of my life, so that I may work out my own salvation with fear and trembling, trusting that it is God who works in me. He has all things planned. We need to prepare our hearts and step into his plans.

Salvation, you see, is not just about going to heaven after death but it is lived out in daily surrender to God so that I may live in his kingdom on earth. Salvation is to turn from fear to faith in King Jesus, so that each day I live with more of his love under his kingship. In submitting to Jesus, he changes the way I serve Anna and our families. He gives me new perspective on how to be a better lover of people.

I am still learning what it means to let go of control in my life. There are many questions ahead for our future, and of course "the big question" (as our culture likes to put it) as we discern how God is leading us together. There are many questions. The story is not finished yet, because each day God is writing our love story. I don't know what 2013 will bring exactly, but I know that God is showing me to turn from fear to faith. Thank you Jesus.

And thank you, friends, for reading this to the end. I wish you Happy New Year and pray that your year 2013 will be filled with new and exciting challenges that make you take risks in life and discover who God has created you to be.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!