Prelude
Being a control-freak has been a long, ongoing struggle of mine since my high school days of perfectionism, but it has been only the recent two years that I have really noticed its strong hold on my life. I would try to impose my own standard on people and try to "work harder" in order to get something done the way I wanted.I repented of that. Once, twice, and a few more times...
But...have you ever had sin in your life that you repented of, but then it unconsciously crept back into your life? Does it sound familiar? It should, because that's the story of Israel, a nation that fell into a constant cycle of repenting but then immediately choosing to rebel against God (think wilderness wandering, period of Judges, Babylonian exile, and more). Indeed, Moses asked God to go in the midst of the people BECAUSE Israel was a stiff necked people (Exodus 34:9)
I am no different.
What now...
These past weeks have been tough. My parents were gone for 2 weeks, leaving me to cook, clean, walk kaka, drive around and do all the errands, while also writing 2 major papers. Not to complain, because I realize many people lead busy lives like this, but what I do realize is that this weariness made me want to rely more on my own organizational skills rather than God's grace. To be honest, I was even tired of leading small group because I felt like I needed to do something different to change people.
I was frustrated. I wanted to be in the lives of my teens. I wanted them to change. I wanted to know them better and hang out with them.
Do you see a pattern? It was all about what I wanted. Now, that's always a sign something is going massively wrong, but I was blind to it at the time. On Tues, Anna and I had our devo time on Luke 19, and the parable of the Ten Minas grabbed my attention. For the first time, I truly felt like the unfaithful servant. I prayed, and I pondered... "why God, why?"
I didn't understand. But, I knew God was doing something.
During our midweek small group that night I was equally confused and confessed that to my friends there. As I was driving Anna home, she helped me realize that I was trying so hard "to do" more things to change people, rather than simply to love them. After all, Jesus said:
"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" -John 13:35
Jesus didn't say that by doing more godly and great things people will know you are my disciples. No...I realized I needed to stop doing tasks and be still before Yahweh, the personal God who speaks and lives in history, his story, of which my story plays a small part. Then as I was driving back home, this song I had never listened to before plays on my playlist...
Are you tired?
Worn out and empty?
Is your soul weary?
Have you tried releasing your burdens?
Do you feel the weight of worry?
Each line struck my heart like an arrow. It was like a divine intervention, as if God were saying "hey iggy, do you know you've got problems?" then the next lines came...
I am the rest you need
I am the Prince of Peace
Enter the rest of God
Come to me
Burdens will fly away
Walk with me.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace
I was floored. I am still astonished. Wow, Yahweh...thank you for speaking. It's a reminder. I need these reminders, Jesus. Thank you. It is time for me to stop worrying about WHAT to do. I will spend daily time with you, simply being in your presence.
Time to stop doing. Time to BE.
*this is the song by Brian Doerkson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFFa-C95RSU
*this is the song by Brian Doerkson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFFa-C95RSU
